So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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