If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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