My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
