I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
