I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize