big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
