My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
