only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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