Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
how does that bad decision feel?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
