I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
