Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
