Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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