tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We have started to decorate penises.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
