You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
