I'm eating all of the evidence.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
