dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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