Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
