the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
