that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
