On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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