It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
