Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
