your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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