I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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