Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
