I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
