Farmville is her only friend.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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