You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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