My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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