so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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