I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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