Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
