Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
