stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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