Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
