she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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