I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
