I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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