I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
