apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize