So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Quick, to the slutcave!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize