I think I won the penis lottery.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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