why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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