this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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