So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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