Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
