I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
two words...techno handjob
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
