my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
