i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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