alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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