What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize