idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
