mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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