I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
