I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize