Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
