someone get that fucking seahorse.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
