What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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