One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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