ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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