Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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