She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
