Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
