Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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