I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
