So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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