she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
