there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
