Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
