just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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